Dear Griffin,
Thank you for your efforts to 'help' with my thesis.
I appreciate your desire to mitigate my stress levels.

But standing on the paper with my revision notes or in the middle of my keyboard just isn't all that helpful. Not on a practical level.
I love you darling, but academics isn't your strong point.


love love,
Erin

Dear adorable parrot:

You are a joy, but I have one fav. to ask of you. I know you love to chew but could you maybe please chew on one of the many chew toys I have bought you? A lot of mommy's zippers don't zip right and I have had a few stains from "you know what". I cannot pluck up my plumage like you do to look naturally fab so could you lay off chewing the decoratives on my clothes? And would you mind missing the poo bomb as well? Mommy is starting to look scruffy.....

Thanks..........Your bird mum

Dear Griffin,
I assure you, no matter how hard you try, you can't eat the bouncing printer icon in the dock on my laptop. I'm pissed about the print error too. But standing on my keyboard and biting at the screen doesn't make it any better.
Love,
Erin

PS when you stand on my laptop, I can't control the cursor.

Annie,

Yes, I know I left it on the desk.
But please, please, please never nibble on a check again. How do you expect me to buy you organic cranberries if you eat my checks?

Thank you
Your slave =p

Dear Lilly,

You've been sitting on my shoulder for twenty minutes now, and have had no interest in my glass of red koolaid until I picked it up to drink out of it. I would really appreciate it if you stopped knocking the envelope off the top of my glass to get to the koolaid. The envelope is to keep you from falling into my glass. Why is it you seem to think that anything that I drink must be good for you too? Stop it. I don't want to be trying to get red koolaid off your pretty white feathers. Silly Bird.

Love, Mom.

Post Script:

Please stop pooping on my keyboard just because you don't get your way. It's not pleasant for my pinky to be landing in a pile of poop that you landed right in the center of my 'enter' key. Thank you.

Dear Mango,

Please stop trying to eat my boyfriend. Really he's not a threat to you or our current love affair. In fact, be thankful for him. He's allowing us to live together and continue our affair. He wants to get to know you, and even love you like I do. But you need to back up on the sassy pants and stop being such a jerk to him and everyone else for that matter. It's not fair that everyone else has to go through you biting the shit out of them until someone gives up. I was willing to put up with it, I wouldn't hold it to anyone else. I love you, but easy. I'll always love you, and you share my number one spot with Jay. And if any kind of moving had to be made, you'd be staying with me. So lighten up already jeez.

Love Mom.

------Also------

Dear Icarus,

Revolve the world around does not you. I love you, but seriously. Eat some millet or something, leave me alone for ten seconds. You annoy the fuck out of me when you scream and cling to the side of your cage desperate for my attention. I just had you out. We just had lots of snuggle time. Do something, by yourself while I go dust off.

Love Mom.

My sweet, tiny, half-moon, I am so sorry that I tried to use that harness on you again. I threw the old one away, swearing it was the end of the harness for you...then six months later, I bought the same thng again. How stupid! Your little body is too delicate for such a monstrosity. When I pressed on the plastic quick release clip, it did not open, and I was afraid of hurting you. I wanted to take you hiking with me. But I need to accept that loving a little parrot may mean that I need to keep her indoors, or in a cage.

What shocks me the most is that you don't even hold it against me.

Dear Duncan,

Contrary to what you believe, I have a cold, and I am not making that silly noise for your benefit.


Dear Kermit,

Please stop trying to eat the tissues.

Dear Kermit,

My fingernails are not a foraging toy. Please, please, please, please stop looking for marvelous treats under them.

Dear Griffin,
1. The pigeons outside can't get inside. Don't worry.
2. The seagulls outside can't get inside. Don't worry.
3. The airplanes flying overhead aren't even birds. And they definitely can't get inside. Don't worry.

Love,
Your protector!

Dear Kermit,

Okay, fess up. Who taught you to shout Street Fighter attack names?

Also, if I catch you saying "Haddoken!" while pooping, I'm taking you back to the parrot factory.

Dear Jennie,

You were exceptionally naughty this week and I hope it's because you're trying to get it out of your system and behave in 2007.

It is NOT very nice to squawk super-loud when Mommy has a hangover and it is really most unkind to laugh and do your heavy metal singer impressions when Mommy is throwing up.

It is also NOT preferred that you tip over a glass of water so that it can flood the computer keyboard and Mommy's cellphone. I realize that tipping water glasses over is hysterical to parrots, and that the computer and phone are evidence that you are NOT the center of the universe, but that was honestly a little uncalled for!

Dear Sophia,

Please stop eating my food off of my plate. It's disgusting when you put your little feet on my food, or eat half of something, crunching it all over everything else, and then I can't eat anything that hasn't been Sophied.

The food on your plate, the food I put especially for you on a little platter all your own, IS THE EXACT SAME STUFF THAT'S ON MY PLATE. I SWEAR. And when I've put a handful of granola in your basket, STOP GOING AFTER MY GRANOLA CUP LIKE THERE'S NO FOOD LEFT IN THE WORLD YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LITTLE PILE!

Thank you.

Your doting mother.

PS. I will never allow you to have hot chocolate no matter how much you annoy me. It's not good for you. And it's HOT. Also, no apple cider allowed. Stop climbing up everything on my desk to get to it on the shelf. It's not gonna happen.

Dear Athena and Sophia,

Mommy and Daddy have come to the realization that between the two of you, the very worst years of raising children are fully represented, namely the Terrible Twos and the teen years.

Sophia, you are doing an excellent service to our future children by training us in the arts of raising a two year old. You are perfectly adorable as you dissemble Mommy's favorite and most expensive necklace. The decorative marks you leave on Daddy's X-Box cords as you chew, and the subsequent utter expression of innocence and shock when we scramble over furniture, cats, and shoes to separate you from that most very important wire, is priceless.

Athena, your moodiness recalls to mind teenage years with a daughter. You have a knack for being simultaneously needy and utterly spiteful. The combination you have developed of informing Mommy that you want babyfood by both crying pitifully in Sophia's tone, and then biting my hand is quite unique. Just a little note--Sophia doesn't bite when she's needy, she just cries, and it works very well for getting her way because it's very baby-like. Biting me does not inspire sympathy. Further--being offended because Mommy extends her hand to help you out of the various predicaments in which you find your awkward and clumsy little self is not going to work. Mommy means well, and is trying to help. You don't need to bite and then reflect that, oh yes, you do need some assistance--and then whistle pitifully begging mommy to re-extend the injured digit. At that point Mommy usually believes you deserve to figure it out yourself.

Also, Athena, there are rules in this house. I know you would like to pretend you are the Supreme Rule Maker--all teenagers do. However, Mommy is the Supreme Rule Maker. There will be days when you do need to wake up before 10am, because Mommy has to go to work and put you in your cage. Please don't be grouchy for the following two days because I make you come out from under the bedsheets before noon.

Girls--Mommy and Daddy love you both very, very much. You have added unexpressable fun and joy to our lives, and we can't even imagine a day without you. If we could work on being less moody (Ath) and less, well, TWO (Soph) things will run a bit more smoothly!

Kisses and peanuts!

Mommy and Daddy
xoxoxo 

Athena is an African Grey, on the left, and Sophia is a Goffin's Cockatoo, on the right. 

Dear Rusty,

Mommy bought you a great big cage with lots of superfun and educational parrot toys. Would you please explain to me why you're happier playing with a wooden clothespin for an hour straight??

Dear Jubjub Bird,

I understand how my nose could, in many ways, resemble a beak.

But there is no food in there.

I promise.

belly kisses,
your Human

Dear mommy Aleda,
I understand that you really, really wanted to be a mother. Really I do. But you have 3 little miracle babies right now in the nest... now is NOT the time to start getting it on with Dominick and laying eggs again!

Fidma x7, now
Kayleigh

Dear Kermit,

I know you're a baby, but damn. How is it possible for you to be this adorable? I'm glad you've figured out that snuggling against Mommy's neck and making soft, contented quacking noises melts Mommy's heart.

PS, When Mommy hands you a peanut, you're supposed to eat the nut, not the shell.

It is NOT nice to pull out Mommy's nosering and then play keep-away with it!

Do you care to explain to me why you have to make this about the coffee pot when really we know it's all about you?

Dear Jubjub Bird,

It pains me to tell you that the food processor, electric blender, lawn mower, and sewing machine are NOT talking to you each time they are turned on; niether do they return your friendly intentions. Your affection for anything motorized, quite frankly, baffles me, as the aforementioned items sound nothing like budgie-speak as far as I can tell. Sorry to disillusion you.

Love and kisses,

Your bewildered Human

Yes I know I am the meanest macaw mommy in the whole world for locking you in your cage while I am eating quesadillas because I don't want you to snatch a piece of avocado off of my plate. I am fully aware that this is abusive and hostile bird mommy behavior on my part, but you're still not coming out until I'm done eating and have taken the trash out because I know your sneaky feathered ass isn't above grabbing avocado peels and pits out there either!

Dear Athena and Sophia,

I would first like to say I have had a wonderful morning playing with you two crazy girls! I'm glad I have a lot of reading homework to do, so you can run around on the bed having fun. That said, I believe you have enjoyed playing on the bed too. If this is to continue some basic rules must be observed:

1. Stop fighting. Sophia, if Athena has a highlighter cap it's ok. You have yours. You don't have a monopoly on the highlighter caps.

2. Stop pretending to preen each other just to nip. Sophia, Athena's beak is there for a reason. I know you begin by preening the little feathers on her head, but don't get mad when she doesn't want more preening and then try to grab her beak with your foot. She's going to bite it.

Athena, when you don't want to be preened anymore, go another direction. Stop nipping Sophie's feet! She's going to get mad and then go after your highlighter cap!

3. There are many, many toys on the bed for both of your entertainment. We have balls, scrunchy things, feathers, caps... tons of stuff. The only, ONLY thing you are not allowed to go after is the alarm clock. Please stop making for it like it's the last toy in a dungeon!

4. Kitty is a small friend. She occasionally likes to sit with mom on the bed while mom studies. Kitty's ears exist for a reason. Please stop testing them for edibility should the world end. They are not edible. It irritates the cat. And the world isn't going to end. You will always have plenty of food.

I look forward to many future mornings of playtime on the bed! Following these basic rules will make our playtime much more, well, harmonious.